Never Too Late

by Renee Chitty 

I grew up in a poor, abusive household. 
I took the church van to First Baptist Mauriceville any time I could.
Church was my escape from home, until church hurt me too. 

When I was a teen, my youth pastor told me not to wear something to church.
I felt judged and rejected, so I just stopped going. 

With nowhere to run to, I decided that I wanted to leave my home. I had to get out.
At 15, my dad and I left my mom and moved in with his parents. Not long after that, I was pregnant. In hopes of keeping me away from my mom and giving me a life of my own, my dad signed for me to get married. I ended up having a miscarriage, but moved forward with my husband We moved in together and he quickly became mentally and physically abusive. 

We tried to build a life, but life kept getting harder. 

I was raped at 16. My husband told me that if I didn’t have an abortion he would leave me.
I felt like I had no choice. I regret my decision every single day.

Again, I found myself in a home that I had to escape.
I left him at 16, although we didn’t legally get divorced for seven years.

I went back to my dad’s home, where things hadn’t changed. He was an alcoholic and I took care of him. He bought me a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 every paycheck, wanting me to participate in his partying. We both fell into a cycle drinking and partying.

My dad made a mistake that broke my heart. I planned to completely cut him off, but days later he had a heart attack on top of multiple seizures. That made me realize that my daddy was all I had. Thankfully, he stopped the drinking and drugs for me. Since then, he has remarried, moved, and remains sober.

Even though I watched my daddy overcome his addiction, I continued in my cycle.

I got into my first adult relationship. 
We were both addicts until I got pregnant.
I never had intentions of wanting kids, but the caretaker in me took over. 
I quit drugs, stopped partying, and knew I had to leave this relationship for my kids.

I cared for my twins, but continued drinking. 
I eventually met and married a man who was my best friend.
I knew he did drugs, but I wanted to save him. 

That’s what I had been doing all along: trying to save others, but losing myself. 

Drinking completely overtook me, leading to two DWIs and a mountain of regret. 

I pushed my husband to his breaking point. 
I gave up on me and I gave up on us.
I believed that I could help others, 
but I couldn’t even help myself. 
It ended in divorce.

I continued drowning everything in alcohol.
I didn’t believe that I could be helped.
I didn’t believe that I was worthy.

Eventually, I found a man who could quote scripture, but he was also a meth addict.
I saw so much good in him, and thought that I could save him. 
In my efforts, I hit my rock bottom. 
In 2011, I attempted to kill myself. 

I had put drinking and drugs before myself, while others put drinking and drugs before me.
I believed that their life would be better without me. 
I believed that my kids would be better without me. 
I believed that I was useless and unworthy.
The enemy had me completely entangled. 

I couldn't get the gun to fire, and by the grace of God and with help from my friends, I was unsuccessful. 

My friends got me into counseling and I started changing my thought process.
I learned that I wasn’t the problem for others, but alcohol remained a problem for me.
Even if I wasn’t ready to admit it.

I didn’t think that my drinking was a big deal, because I could stop when I wanted.
I stopped while I was on probation, and it was then that I met a man who took care of me. 
Jeff took care of our kids, our bills, and of me. 

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t trying to save anyone, I was being saved.

We fought against each other at times, but we fought harder for each other. 
I knew that this was the love I wanted, and I knew that he deserved someone faithful and honest. 
We got married, and I watched my kids see the changes happening in me.
I wanted to be the woman he needed, so I changed and I grew as a person. 

However, once I was off probation, the drinking started again.

In an attempt to continue changing my life for the better, I got weight loss surgery. 
This changed my eating habits drastically, but did not change my desire to drink.
I only changed what I drank.
Vodka was my go-to. 

Our relationship became a roller coaster, depending on how much I drank.
Thankfully, I had a friend who showed me the way.

My friend, Megan, invited me to her baptism at Turning Point.
We went and watched her declare her faith with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law. 
It was so amazing to see the work of God in a family that I knew had their own cracks and breaks. 

I wanted the same for my family. 
I saw that God could do it.
I wanted Him to do it for me.
I wanted Him to work in my life. 

We continued visiting Turning Point, and I started to see God working.
I felt seen and welcomed for the first time in so long.
I felt taken care of and accepted.
I wasn’t judged or rejected.
I was pointed to Jesus. 

God was working on the outside, I was still secretly held captive by alcohol.

I was two versions of myself: the one I wanted to be and the one I couldn't stop being.

When my niece was tragically murdered, I drowned my pain in alcohol
and ended up nearly drowning my marriage.

That weekend my husband and I fought. 
I was blacked out. I know that I yelled and threw things. 
Then I was taken from my house before things got worse.  
I woke up the next morning ashamed and begging for forgiveness. 

We vowed for better or worse.
This was my worst, and I wanted to be better.
I was so tired of being this person. 

I went to church that Sunday and my pastor’s message was titled Underneath.
He talked about the masks we wear and the pain, struggle, and sin that is beneath it.
That was me: a masked woman who drank behind closed doors.

As my pastor preached, God worked. 
I felt like God lifted my mask that morning.
He showed me that I could be the better version of myself.
I could leave my past behind.
I could be made new.

I haven’t taken a sip of alcohol since the night I nearly destroyed my marriage.

I was baptized in November and won’t look back.
I see now that I am worthy.
I am taken care of by God.
I am loved.

It’s never too late to start over.
It’s never too soon to serve.

I am now serving on the Dream Team of my church and involved in all that I can be.
I went from all in to partying and drinking to all in for Him.
I am devoted to God.
I will stay sober

Sure, I’ll mess up, I’ll slip up, and I’ll never be perfect,
but I’m becoming the woman God made me to be every day.

There are still days that I want a drink, but I want God even more.
I want to continue to become the woman He made me to be.
I want to continue to grow in wisdom and learn about Him.
I want to continue to be an example for my kids and grandkids.

If you knew me then, I apologize. I would love for you to know me now.
Now that Jesus has changed my life and turned my life upside down.
Now that He has shown me more mercy than I deserve. 
Now that He has brought me back to life. 

Like the woman at the well, I have a past.
But like the woman at the well, I have a Savior.
He found me. He changed me. He showed me mercy.
And I will do all I can to give Him glory.

“I'm living proof of what the mercy of God can do
If you knew me then, you'd believe me now
You turned my whole life upside down
Took the old and He made it new
That's just what the mercy of God can do.”