Saved by Praise

by Holly Parrish 

My husband and I got married in 2015.
We were bright-eyed newly weds with high hopes of starting our family immediately. 

We had no idea the journey that we were about to embark on, as a couple or as a family.

We tried for six months to get pregnant.
We didn’t go to doctors, but we tried every technique, tip, and trick.

We finally got pregnant and found out we were having a little girl when I was 20 weeks along.
Caroline was born on September 17, 2016 at 28 weeks, weighing 1 lb. 7oz. 

I had developed preeclampsia, that quickly turned into HELLP Syndrome, so they had to take her immediately to save both of us. I knew that we had a long road ahead of us, but I felt an overwhelming, unexplainable peace. 

We knew that we would be spending a significant amount of time in the NICU, but then my husband lost his job when Caroline was just a month old. Due to this I cut my maternity leave short so I could return to work to help out financially. 

Caroline spent 97 days in the NICU.
She came home on December 23, 2016, and Michael left for a job in Michigan six days later. We stayed behind so that we could keep her on my insurance while we waited for his new benefits to kick in. Finally in February, I resigned from my job and Caroline and I made the move to Michigan

We spent the next several months making the four hour road trip to Grand Rapid, MI for numerous doctor’s appointments.
Caroline was constantly monitored and we were always watching her for changes or alarms.
We saw a pulmonologist, did sleep studies, and watched her numbers jump up and down. 

I urged that we see a cardiologist, and finally in May 2017, we got a new diagnosis.

Caroline’s cardiologist found that she had a hole in her heart that had been there since birth. She also had a heart disease called Pulmonary Vein Stenosis. This progressive disease caused her veins to constrict, restricting blood flow to her heart. We discussed plans for Caroline’s future and continued watching her every move. 

Then, I got pregnant, but I knew something wasn’t right. Every time I walked up the stairs I bled. I asked repeatedly for an ultrasound, but was brushed off and told to wait for my first appointment with my OB. I finally got in at ten weeks and we found no heartbeat. With the way our lives were, we didn’t stop much to grieve and felt like we had found peace. 

On Christmas Eve, my miscarriage hit me.
I realized that our family was missing something, someone, and that I needed to grieve. 

The following month, I was pregnant again. 
I felt like God gave me time to feel the loss before giving me another life. 

Caroline’s complications continued, and on Mother’s Day 2018 we started noticing her hands and feet turning blue, and she hadn’t been eating or sleeping well. We knew something was wrong, but we weren’t scheduled for another check-up for a few months. I called our doctor and told him we needed to do something more than routine scans. 

The following month, on June 4, 2018 my one and a half year old baby had open heart surgery.
They realized that the disease had taken over her heart and were forced to cut a portion of her heart out.

During her surgery, they also had to put her on nitric oxide to regulate her blood pressure. We knew there were risks and that it should take her a few days to come off of the nitric oxide. Caroline had a hard time regulating her blood pressure and had a few episodes while in the hospital. I remember sleeping in a chair by her bed and waking up to nurses rushing into the room. Alarms were beeping as the nurses worked to get her stable. Another time, my mom was watching her while we ate. She called us to come up to the room, and we found nurses doing chest compressions on our baby. They worked on her for nearly fifteen minutes. 

We rode this rollercoaster for 33 days before finally leaving the hospital on July 5.
We were released to focus on growth, prepare for a future stint, and get ready for her little brother's arrival. 

I had James a few months later on September 3, 2018.
We had a healthy birth and were sent home to transition to life with two under two. 
Caroline absolutely loved him.

When James was just a few days old, Caroline started showing warning signs.
She was acting out, in a funk, and not eating. 

I pulled her into bed with me and sent a short video of her breathing to our doctor. The doctor called me back immediately and said we had to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. We were a four hour drive away, so we came up with a plan. We took her to the local hospital, had her assessed, and planned to be life flighted to Grand Rapids.

When we arrived her oxygen was at a 67. 
They worked quickly to prepare her to fly out.

We landed in Grand Rapids and doctors warned us of all possible scenarios.
They stabilized Caroline and discussed the surgery she would have the following day.

The next morning she went into a surgery that ended up lasting thirteen hours.
They went in to balloon her veins and ended up losing her three different times.
They were forced to put her on ECMO, a heart and lung life support with known risks.

Once surgery ended, the goal was to allow her body to reset and recover, then remove her from the support.

To monitor her while on the ECMO, nurses would check her eyelids hourly to be sure they were responsive. 

She turned 2 on September 17th, and we made the most of her hospital birthday party.
We sang “Happy Birthday” with nurses and doctors, brought in decorations, and the hospital made a fun mold of our hands and hers. We soaked in the moments of celebration, knowing that the following day we would try to take her off of ECMO. 

We stayed in the connected hotel that night and woke up to a call at 5:45am the following morning.

We rushed to Caroline’s room. 
Doctors swarmed her bedside.
We prayed with the nurses over her, but knew what was happening.

Her eyelids were not responsive because she had gotten a brain bleed.

We had to make a decision on how to move forward.
We could do all we could to save her, but it was certain that she would have no quality of life, suffer a stroke, and be completely paralyzed on at least one side. We had peace with our decision, took her off of ECMO, and turned her pacemaker off. 

Caroline fought until the very end. 

She spent the last fifteen minutes of her life surrounded with love and covered in prayer.
We watched as our baby girl slipped away. 

Even in the trauma, I had overwhelming peace.
The same unexplainable peace I had when she was born.

I looked back over Caroline’s life and saw how God was with us from beginning to end.
He allowed us to move to a little Michigan town where the cost of living was low.
He made me available to drive her back and forth to doctor’s appointments. 
He gave us support when our family was twenty four hours away.
He led us to a great church and incredible doctors.
He was so good through it all.

We started the journey forward with our fifteen day old baby boy.

The aftermath was hard.
The trauma was heavy.
I had a newborn who needed me.
I battled postpartum depression on top of my grief.

In December 2018, we were able to move back home to Texas.
I knew that I needed support and I couldn’t sit in my sadness every day.

I went back to work and we started attending Bridge Point Fellowship

At the beginning of 2020, I saw God putting my pieces back together.
I started a small group for grieving moms and met Katie Hunt.
She helped me choose the book, I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. 

That book and that small group changed my life. 

I saw that I could take my experiences, share them, and grow with others.

During that small group I got pregnant again,
but weeks later found out that I had a miscarriage in March 2020. 

This loss hit much harder than the first. My heart longed for another baby. 

I remember going into church on my second Mother’s Day without Caroline and crying the entire service.
I texted Katie in the middle of service and told her I needed someone. I was not okay. 
She found me after the service and we decided to meet every Tuesday at the church.
I will never forget the first day we met.
She came in with her Bible and a plan in hand, ready to pour into me. 

We started going through the book of Psalms, one chapter a day.
She opened my eyes to a new way of reading the Bible.
I wasn’t just reading, I was worshiping, learning, and growing. 
I was healing. 

We continued to try to get pregnant and decided to go to CORM in Beaumont.
Testing showed that everything was normal and by Memorial Day I got another positive pregnancy test.
I got in my car after doing testing to check my levels and the song “You Keep Hope Alive” was on.
I thought, this is it.

My results came back showing that my numbers were low and the doctors said they didn’t have high hopes.

I had a chemical pregnancy, but God kept my hope alive.
I continued reading the Psalms and made worship playlists.
I was going to walk through it in worship. 

I held tight to David’s songs and declared His promises.
I believed greater things were coming. 
I knew He was still good. 

We decided to try a medicated cycle.
We took the shots and did all the things.

I got pregnant but had another chemical pregnancy

At that moment, I was just lost.
That was my third loss in one year, my fourth miscarriage total.

All I knew to do was continue to read Psalms and continue to praise.

Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?|
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
Psalm 42:5

David didn’t surrender to his feelings,
he surrendered his feelings to his Father.
I would try to do the same.

That fall small group semester I led Jenny Lusko’s Fight to Flourish.

I was fighting to flourish in my season of loss and confusion.
I opened the group to other women trying to thrive after hard seasons. 

I put one step in foot of the other, reading songs in Psalms, and flooding my mind with worship. 

Doctors told us that IVF was our only option, but could not give me a medical diagnosis. 

I still had hope.
I still knew God was good.
I still wanted another baby. 

As I fought to flourish, I shifted my focus away from what I wanted to have to who I wanted to be:
I wanted to be spiritually whole and physically healthy. 

I started talking with Dr. Brett Gschwend about my ongoing digestive issues and our issues with infertility. Without even seeing me he suggested MTHFR. I did some research and checked every symptom box. After further discussions, we realized that my body wasn’t metabolizing the folic acid that fertility doctors had been giving me. 

I went gluten and dairy free and began taking an estrogen supplement.
Michael and I started walking together in the mornings.
I felt like we were finally making progress in healing and health.

In the beginning of November 2020, I asked my husband to try one more time without IVF. I took pregnancy tests day after day, waiting and hoping for a positive test. A week before Christmas, I heard God clearly tell me, Christmas morning. I kept testing with no signs of lines, then there it was! Christmas morning 2020 I got a positive test.

There was something different about this pregnancy.
I had complete peace. I so badly wanted another little girl, but I surrendered to God.
God, I want a little girl only if you think I’m ready for one. 

On August 25, 2021 I gave birth to my baby girl Anna Leigh.
My seventh pregnancy. 
Our family was complete. 

All I could do was praise. 

Praise the Lord; praise God our savior!
For each day he carries us in his arms.
Psalm 68:19

Looking back I can see that praise is what saved me.
Praise made me whole again.
Praise allowed me to heal.
Praise was the answer.

I didn’t wait to worship once I was healed
I worshiped my way to healing. 

Through all of it, God was so kind to us.
He was worthy of all my worship.
He bore our burdens for us.
He carried us in His arms. 
He kept every promise. 
He strengthened us.
He never left us. 

To someone else waiting or grieving after loss, trying to hold on to hope, I would say this:

1. Cling to your faith.
   Grab a friend and get in your Bible.
   Study and soak in His Truth.
   
   I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; God, don't let me down!
   Psalm 119:31

2. Keep your eyes focused. 
   Put your eyes on Jesus.
   He will guide your desires,
   and He will satisfy your heart. 
   
   I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
   Psalm 16:8

3. Consider His promises. 
   
   The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
   The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me.
   Psalm 116:5-6 

For so long I have spent my time wanting and waiting.
Now that my family is complete, I’m not sure where God will take me from here.
I guess I will continue to wait and be ready to go where He calls me. 

I do know that while I’m waiting, I’m going to praise. 

I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.
Psalm 9:1