Decide to Live

by Desiree Scales

It wasn’t until I had this conversation that I realized God has always been speaking to me.
He has always been with me.
He has always seen me. 
He has always been saving me. 

Looking back, I can see that even before I knew Him, He knew me. 

Since as far back as I remember, I lived in hell on earth. 
From the time I was about 3 until the age of 10, my life was a living hell. 
Luckily, I had someone in my life to save me. 

My biological mother was an addict of many things. Drugs, alcohol, you name it. 
She would leave me home alone to do whatever it is she did to get her next fix.

My daddy was a roughneck, blue collar man. 
He worked on tugboats and spent most of his time away at work
...until the night of December 31st, 1992. 

I’m not sure if you’re born with intuition or you acquire it, but when my parents left to go to a New Year’s Eve party, I just felt something was off. The next morning we got the news. They had been in a car accident and my whole world came crashing down. 

Four days later, I would turn 8 years old. 
Four days after that, I would lose my dad. 
No birthday party, but a funeral instead.

My mother suffered broken bones and became even more addicted. 
We left our life in Texas and moved to where her family was in Kansas. 
My life became more of a nightmare than I was able to withstand. 

A few months into our new life without my dad, my mom was throwing house parties. 
Drugs, alcohol, bands in the living room. 
Kids everywhere, thinking this lifestyle was normal.

We bounced from house to house, staying wherever we were welcomed. 
One night, she prostituted while I slept in the back seat of the car. 
Months later Bob* would come into the picture. 
I just thought life was bad. 

They were addicts feeding off of each other. 
Then, the abuse started. 

I had never witnessed a man hit a woman before. 
Every time they drank or used, they would fight physically. 
Then, it started happening when they were sober. 

She was on and off drugs and we were in and out of women’s shelters. 
One night, she ran out of the house, leaving me in there with him. I tried to call 911 and he ripped the phone out of the wall. He finally left me alone in the house. When I went to find my mom, she was hiding in some bushes. 

She endured a lot of physical abuse, and I was always there to witness it.
Shovels to the face, black eyes, bruises, busted lips…
Several months later, another nightmare would happen.

Bob and my mother had a yard full of cars to “work” on. 
One morning SWAT busted into our home, found stashes of drugs and narcotics, and removed me from my “home”. Both Bob and my mom went to jail for possession and CPS placed me with a childhood friend until extended family was contacted. I lived with an aunt, but CPS continued checking in because I was malnourished. 

I visited my mother once in jail. 
This was the beginning of the end for us. 

Then, God placed an angel in my life. 
I didn’t know it at the time, but my dad’s sister was fighting on my behalf in Texas. 
At ten years old, after years of drugs and abuse marking my childhood, my aunt took me into her home. 

After nine months of living in Texas, my mother called and told me she was having a baby. 
My ten year old heart was so excited to be a big sister, and against my aunt’s wishes, I moved back to Kansas.
My innocent mind thought that a baby would bring our family together, but nothing had changed. 
Addiction, abuse, all of it...all while pregnant. 

My mother waited until the week before my brother was born to tell me that she was going to give him up for adoption. My heart was shattered as I made a desperate phone call to my aunt, begging for her to get me back. 

I didn’t know much at this time, but I knew that this was not the life I was meant to live.
Something in me knew there was more. 

I made the decision at that moment to not allow this to be my life. 

My aunt, my angel, was able to gain guardianship of me after several months of work behind the scenes. 
On the day before I left, my mother called and told me that she was pregnant again. 
The following day, my grandparents checked me out of school and boarded me on a fight to Texas 

Once my mother found out that the move was finally happening, she called and cussed me out. 
As bad as her words hurt, I knew that I was finally free. 
That would be the last time we spoke for twelve years. 
I would never have to survive another day in addiction and abuse.

This transition was harder than I anticipated. 
I had to adjust to structure. To rules. To being cared for and loved. 
To being part of a family. 

The adjustment, coupled with my past, led me down a dark road of eating disorders and suicidal thoughts. 
Along the way, something in me kept saying that I had something to live for. 

At 13 years old, I went to my first church camp with North Orange Baptist Church.
I realized that not only was I physically free from my past, but I was free spiritually as well.
I made the decision to follow Jesus that week at camp.

Since then, my walk with Christ has been a rollercoaster.
I have made huge mistakes.
I have hurt others. 

But, I remember the little girl who decided she didn’t want that life in addiction and abuse. 
The little girl who boarded a plane to Texas.
The little girl who started over at age ten. 

If she can decide to live differently, so can I. 

Life doesn’t have to be what you’re a product of.
It doesn’t have to be where you’re from.
It doesn’t have to be who you used to be. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re ten or forty-five you can make the decision to live differently. 
You can make the decision to seek Him.
You can make the decision to heal and forgive.
You can make the decision to get up and move forward.

I went back to Kansas a few months ago and saw the life I could have lived. 
The life I would be living had God not spoken to me.

He told me that there was more to life.
He reminded me that I have purpose.
He reassures me that I am His.

Recently, I walked into my daughter’s bedroom and found her reading her Bible.
She is ten years old. The same age I was when I boarded the plane to Texas. 
We are both brave. 

I escaped my old life and she is helping me create a new one. 
For her. For us. For Him.

When I look back I can see how God saw me, fought for me, and saved me.
No matter where you are today, He is doing the same for you.
He is working for you and healing you.

You get to choose the life you will live.
Choose the life where you decide to follow Him.