I need a drink...and other lies I believed

*This topic can be touchy and is not a one-size-fits-all type post. Please read with understanding and know that this was my personal experience written in 2020.

I sat down one day to tally every day that I wasted. Days I spent drinking…usually in excess. Days I let my guard down. Days I could have, should have, would have.

I have briefly shared my ups and downs with alcohol before…but in order to help others heal, you have to be real. So, here it goes.

My alcoholism didn't appear overnight.

You may think that alcoholism is an exaggeration.
The definition is: alcohol dependence, which is the body's physical inability to stop drinking and the presence of alcohol cravings.

The shoe fit.
I craved it. I believed I needed it. I thought I could control it.

The slippery slope started around age 19 when I began frequently social drinking. As life happened, social drinking festered into secluded drinking. By 22, I was stopping frequently at convenience stores after work. I avoided friends who I knew would recognize the reality of my drinking habits. I was entangled in my own inability to limit and restrict my consumption. I hurt those closest to me.

Meanwhile, my public life seemed to flourish as I fought a fierce battle in private.
I received recognition and rewards at work while meeting and exceeding personal goals.
I was plugged in at church, reading my Bible, and participating in small groups.

My looong story of redemption began in December 2016. I woke up in my home unable to remember several hours of the night, no fuzzy memories or cloudy clues. I sank in shame but knew that I had to surrender and speak up.

James 5:16 reminds us, Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

I drove to my mom's house and through a mumbled meltdown,
I explained the reality. For the first time I saw hope in my ashes.

I spent the next several years (yes, years) seeking His truth. In doing so, He shed light on the lies that began my battle with alcohol and continued its control over my life. I still hear these lies creeping in, but I have positioned myself to better combat the lies, lean into His Truth, and see the abundant life He offers. I encourage you to get honest with yourself as you read through these lies that stole my livelihood and could have taken more:

*Again, this isn’t for everyone. Some may drink in moderation with total control. That was not my case.

Lie #1: I deserve a drink.

Nothing like a margarita to mark a monumental moment.
You nailed a big presentation at work. You completed a 5K. You got a raise. You survived another summer day with a house full of kids. You got through a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. You deserve a drink! Whew!

I’m not calling this all bad or definitely wrong.

However, found myself in an environment that hinged upon having a drink. Drinking somehow became the most natural way to celebrate success or survival, but the reward never outweighed the regret and remorse that I personally felt.

Lie #2: I need a drink.

I quickly went from "deserving a drink" to deeply desiring alcohol. I needed to drink to numb my emotions and relieve me from my reality. I needed it to enter social situations or unwind after a hard day.

Instead of confronting and coping with my voids and vulnerabilities, I filled another glass to feel the buzz.

Stressed? Have a drink.
Exhausted? Have a drink.
Sad? Have a drink.
Insecure? Have a drink.

I became unable to handle emotions in a healthy way. I had to relearn and rework through many disappointments and defeats that I drowned over the years. Counseling helps. Spending time with Him helps even more.

Lie #3: I'm alone.

I truly believe that this lie held me captive for the longest. It's hard to imagine that anyone else understands your feelings and fight...but we do. When I first made my struggle with alcohol public, I instantly gained a community. Several women messaged me saying they were able to resonate and relate with my reality.

Struggling may feel lonely, but healing doesn’t have to be. I’m forever grateful my mom raised me in a home I could run back to.

Instead of allowing lies to keep me captive, I’m thankful that I got real and found the truth.
Here is the truth that set me free:

• Truth: He saves us.

Jesus came to save us.
Our Savior defeated sin and shame when He sacrificed Himself on the Cross and rose again. Your life has already been claimed by Christ, but it is up to you to commit your life to Him.

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.”
Romans 10:9-11

• Truth: He sets us free.

God has a history of setting His people free.

How sweet was it when God called the Israelites out of their slavery in Egypt!
Exodus reads, That day the Lord saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians.

He set the Israelites free, He set me free, He can set you free.

And if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed. 
John 8:36

• Truth: He is sufficient.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life."
John 4:13-14

NOTHING will satisfy and give life like Jesus does. He is sufficient for every single need.

Give John 4 a read. I was the woman at the well.

At the beginning of my healing, I tried to fill voids, once aided with alcohol, with other worldly things. I was obsessed with the gym and dove into work. When I still came up empty, I found that He was never meant to be our last resort. He is the everlasting Source.

I have only scratched the surface of the truth God gives us. I pray that you will find Him for yourself. Invite a friend to join you in the Word. Dive in and dig up any lies you have let dictate your life.

As you seek His truth, I believe you will be saved, set free, and satisfied in Him.

I have had seasons of sobriety, going months at a time without a drink.
I have reached for one in seasons of high stress or success.
I have saved it for special occasions.
I have vowed to only have one.

Time and time again, I felt a tug to let go fully.
To take it off the shelf and remove the option.
To give Him what He has asked me for before.
To choose Him above all.

I have seen that with sobriety there are usually more questions and few invites.
I have seen friends who leave you and friends who love and support you.
I have also experienced the joy and abundance that comes from obedience.

It’s all worth it

If you have never struggled with alcohol, I am incredibly happy for you.
If you have already overcome this battle, I truly admire you.
If you have a tug to put it down, I get you and I support you.

You were made for more than a life of believing lies.
You were made for freedom, for purpose, for abundant life.