Who He Says I Am

by Tiffany Buckley

My childhood revolved around church.
My aunt is Donna Wells, a local, well-known pastor who also founded Wells of Agape. There was no avoiding church in our family. From as far back as I can remember we attended services every single Sunday…until we didn’t.

When I was fourteen, there was a church scandal that caused my immediate family to step away.
Hurt and confusion clouded the importance of staying grounded in the community of the church.
Meanwhile, I was a teenage girl having a major identity crisis.

All of my family is white. 
That’s how it had always been,
and that’s the identity I stepped into. 

Encounters when I was younger told me that “black” wasn’t what I wanted to be,
so I straightened my hair, surrounded myself with white people, and carried on.
I remember even denying that I was black to someone when I was a young girl.

I  asked my family for answers, but it was usually swept under the rug and shrugged off.

I knew there was something missing, so I went searching. 
Searching for love and happiness.
Searching for identity and value.
Searching in all the wrong places.

I wore myself out trying to fill voids with worthless things.
I was in a cycle of empty, refill, empty, repeat.
I had no direction.
I had no purpose.
I had no idea.

This cycled downward and led me to drugs. 
The drugs led me to an abusive relationship.
I lived empty and exhausted, on a constant search for my next high. 

On 11/1/2018, I hit rock bottom.
I was  desperate for rescue, hopelessly laying on the floor of a crack house.
In that dark moment, I humbly cried out to God, not knowing if He would answer.
God entered that house and began to change things.

He began a long process of uprooting lies and replanting truth.

I knew I had to walk away. 
From the broken cycle I was living. 
From the relationship that I was in. 
From the drugs I was addicted to.

At that moment, I decided to surrender the search for myself and start seeking Jesus.

I called my mom, and she picked me up. 
She allowed me to take the time to get back to myself.
She stood beside me as I got off the drugs and came back to my family.

One step away from that broken world became a sprint towards Jesus.

For the next three years I walked through recovery and worked towards healing.
On 11/1/2021, I married an amazing man who had walked with me every step of the way.
November 1st is now a day that signifies the most redemptive love I have ever known.
The day that Jesus rescued me from a crack house. 
The day that my husband vowed to love me forever.

My husband is adopted, so shortly after we got married we decided to do the 23 and Me testing
We wanted to learn more about our history, background, and where we come from.
When the tests came back they confirmed the truth about where I came from
I was born out of rape. 
I am half Nigerian.

I struggled with this truth for a long time, knowing that I was not conceived in love. 

I questioned where I came from, but chose to seek Who I came from.
Part of healing was relearning who I was in Christ.
I learned who I am as a Daughter of the King.
I learned who I am as a black woman.

I have realized that I may not have been conceived in love, but I was conceived by Love and for love.

He knitted me in my mother’s womb.
He created me with a purpose.
He made me with a mission. 

After years of avoiding my family, I now work with them every day.
I am using my past to help others walk through their own healing.
At Wells of Agape, I teach anger management and serve in recovery groups and as a Christian counselor.

God met me on the floor of that crack house and brought purpose to my life.
He walked me through my fire, so I can meet others in theirs. 

There is not one way my life hasn’t changed since I started following Jesus.
An older version of me would have mocked who I am today, but thank God:

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation;
what is old has passed away; behold, what is new has come!
2 Corinthians 5:17

Though inner healing and counseling,
I have realized my addiction was rooted in false-identity.
I didn’t know who I was in Jesus. 
I didn’t know that I had purpose.
I didn’t know that I had worth.
I didn’t know who I was.

Do you know that you are a child of God?
He made you in love, with a plan and a purpose.
He made you to walk with Him in freedom.
He made you to live an abundant life.

If you are weighed down by burdens of this world, know that He has better.
If you are walking in the ways of this world, know that His way is better. 

Because I surrendered to God, I am living a life that I dreamed of as a child.
A life where I wake up everyday, thankful to be His child and joyful for the life He has given me.

I am asking you to surrender. 
Walk away from the world and run towards Jesus.
Allow Him in and give Him control of your life.

John 15:5 says, I am the vine; you are the branches. 
If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; 
apart from me you can do nothing.

I spent a lot of my life doing exactly that, nothing.
I refuse to give the enemy that hold anymore. 

I know Who I belong to and I know who I am,
and that has made all the difference in my life.