Life on Purpose

by HayLee Simon

The first seed I remember being planted was by my Nanny. 
She brought me to church every Sunday, which led to my baptism at eight years old.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life. 

I didn’t realize it then, but I see now the tiny moments of hope that have kept me alive and fighting.
Seeds planted in different places by people in my path.
Seeds of hope and encouragement planted by friends.
Seeds of promise and purpose planted by God.

I first told my parents that I was self-harming in middle school, though it had started well before this. I later found out that as a little girl I scratched and pinched at my legs, the same place I chose to harm myself.

My mom listened and found a therapist for me to go to. 
I remember feeling uncomfortable and guarded during the first session, but wanted freedom.
I wanted to be free from my desire to be seen and accepted. 

The therapist asked questions, but never asked the one I needed most. I emotionally checked out.
She waited until my mom came back into the room to ask, Have you had suicidal thoughts? 

After two more sessions, I lied and said I was better.
I didn’t think they could fix me. 
I never went back to that office. 

My anxiety and depression continued, although it was still relatively undiagnosed at this time.

In early high school, I remember coming across James 1:2-4:
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

When I first read this verse, I felt like it was speaking directly to me.
I knew I had trials and tribulations, but this truth said I could finish. 
I could persevere, overcome, and use it to help others. 
I held on to that seed of truth God planted. 

I graduated and attended a church camp the summer after high school.
At that camp, I experienced God in a way I had never before.
I could feel Him right beside me, I could hear Him speak to me.
He brought James 1 to life and spoke to me about my purpose.

God gave 18-year-old me the purpose that 26 year-old me would need to keep fighting. 

He lit a fire in me and gave me a desire to help others.
A desire to persevere and keep seeing out my purpose.
A desire to figure out what He has for me and do it.

This was the greatest seed planted in my life.
One that I know has kept me alive and on this side of heaven.

After that encounter with God, people could see that I was different. I chose to make my faith public and get rebaptized at 18.  At this time, I fully understood my belief and decision.

Then, I let life happen and put God on hold.
I met a guy in college and got really distracted.
God continued to plant seeds in me though.

I remember a customer asking to speak to me while I was working at Merle Norman.
She said that she felt like she needed to tell me to stop dating the guy I was with.
She spoke with such confidence, full of grace and kindness.  

Did I stop seeing him?
Of course not, but she planted a seed.
We did break up eventually. 

Sometime later in college, I was at work one night and couldn’t breathe. I didn’t think too much of it, dealt with it, and continued on. The next day in class, I couldn’t breathe again. My face started tingling and my vision went blurry. Thinking about the worst case scenario, I went to urgent care. I was officially diagnosed with anxiety. 

Instead of finding treatment and seeking healing, I rolled with it.

Looking back, I can see how anxiety impacted my life and identity in so many ways.
It has molded and formed so many of my relationships, decisions, and desires. 

The more that I attempted to deal with it, the more people encouraged me to try medication. 
After about a year, my anxiety got to be too much and I decided to give it a go.
I was prescribed medicine for anxiety and depression. 

In late 2020, I stopped taking medication. 
This was the worst decision I have made. 

By November of 2021, my depression reached a scary low. 
Before I ever opened my eyes in the morning, I felt hopelessness wash over me. Every. Morning.
It didn’t leave me throughout the day. It was constant, weighing on me every second of every day.
I somehow kept going, fearing that I would let others down if I didn’t. 

Then, I started getting new anxiety symptoms. 
Randomly, I would shake and tremble. I had zero control over it.
Even if I felt okay mentally, my body would take over and start shaking.
I couldn’t handle it. I began having frequent suicide ideations. 

A suicide ideation is just as dangerous as suicidal thoughts, 
Instead of planning how I would do it, I thought of how others would be without me.
I thought of instances where I would die and how my world would be without me in it. 
I thought and believed that it would be better. 

In the same way that we are taught to speak life, I was speaking death over myself.

Depression gets really scary when you stop talking about it. 
I knew I couldn’t allow myself to get to that point, so I got back on medication.
This has been one of the best decisions for me, for my boyfriend, and for my future. 

All this time, my relationship with God had seen highs and lows. 
I feel Him constantly reaching out for me, but my depression doesn’t allow me to believe it. 
I know there is truth in His Word, but mentally, it can be hard to fully accept those truths. 

I have gone back to therapy and started taking steps to heal. 
I encourage everyone to seek help and find what brings them life.
I take it one step at a time, and try to keep moving forward.

When I try to get back into His Word, my anxiety stirs. 
I’m bombarded with thoughts of my shortcomings.
I feel separated, then the enemy pulls me under. 

In April, something shifted supernaturally.
I had the best month I have had in years. 
God flipped a switch and gave me a glimpse of my future.
I felt more connected to Him and saw my walls lower a little.

I felt Him say, This is how your life can be. 
The hope I found allowed me to start healing.
It gave me the push to start pursuing my purpose.

It is a time I can look back on and say, He did it then, He can do it again.

Instead of just thinking positive thoughts, I am finding promises and truth. 
All through my life I can see that God has been planting promises in my life.
Promises like:

He knows me.
He knows I need friends who pursue me and give me grace.
He knew I needed my Nanny to get me in church.
He knew I needed a promise of purpose at 18.
He knew I needed the truth in James 1.  

You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
Psalm 139:1

He sees me.
Even when I feel like I am alone, He sees me. 
Even when I see hopelessness, He sees my future. 
Even on my bad days, He sees me and love me the same. 

She gave this name to the LORD: “You are the God who sees me,”
for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”
Genesis 16:13

He never changes. 
When I am stuck in a season of depression, His promises remain the same.
When my mind causes my mood to change, He remains the same.
When I feel worthless and hopeless, His love remains the same. 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Hebrews 13:8

Those same promises are true for you. You don’t have to just think positively, 
you can read promises in His Word. Promises that are true for all of us.

He has a plan and a purpose for your life. 
He is just as close on the good days as the bad.
He is your source of hope and He gives you a future.

The purpose that God placed in my heart is what has kept me alive.
That purpose is how I have breath in my lungs to share my story today. 
That purpose is to turn my trials into good and help others who are walking in darkness.

You are not alone.