In the Fire
by Emma Briggs
During my freshman year of high school, my house caught fire, our school closed down, and I was diagnosed with anxiety. My life felt like a literal fire.
Eventually, I was able to trace the sparks of this fire back to 7th grade.
I didn’t know it then, but I experienced my first panic attack that school year. In a split second, I felt warm, heat was covering me, my stomach hurt, my breath shortened, and I was certain I was dying. The feeling eventually faded and I didn’t think too much about it again.
Between 7th and 9th grade, I grew into an outgoing, “people person” who loved building relationships and talking to new people. I thought I was truly joyful.
I started high school feeling extremely nervous and insecure, but I just figured this was how every freshman felt as they entered high school. Midway through my freshman year, panicked feelings returned, and I noticed a change in my behavior. Shortly after that, our house caught fire and my family of 11 moved into campers. Two months later, we were quarantined and schools were closed.
This was the beginning of a downward spiral. My anxious feelings grew more frequent and more intense.
I felt overwhelming emotions and physical panic, but I couldn't process or express my jumbled feelings.
I began avoiding public places and isolating myself from family and friends.
I thought that if I didn’t go into the lion’s cage, the lion couldn’t get me.
If I avoided people and places, then anxiety couldn’t reach me.
The more out of control I felt, the more control I tried to take.
I tried to control how clean the house was and what my diet consisted of. I arranged and rearranged.
I obsessed over controlling the controllable, because everything else in my life felt so out of control.
I knew there was a problem, but I couldn't pinpoint the root issue, so I continued to try to do everything myself.
As my anxiety grew to be unbearable, it also became noticeable. My parents and close friends knew that this wasn’t just stress or insecurity. I tried to hide for so long because I thought that I could and should be able to handle this on my own.
Finally, I told my mom what I had been experiencing. She had also battled anxiety, so she knew exactly what I was talking about and was able to give me tools to help work through the panic attacks.
One night in our camper, I was up at 3AM, feeling like an out of control mess. I was overwhelmed. I put on worship music and “Another in the Fire” came on. I just started sobbing.
I was reminded that He is with me.
Leading me through the fire.
Right beside me.
Hearing my every word.
Protecting me.
Like Psalms 3:3-4 says:
“But you, O Lord, are a shield around me;
You are my glory, the one who holds my head high;
I cried out to the Lord,
and He answered me from His holy mountain.”
Even while seeking God, I continued to struggle. We realized that I needed professional help; I could no longer do this on my own. I eventually opened up to medicine, which became my bridge to healing. It was the best option for me.
Looking back, I realized that the root of my anxiety was the pressure to perform. I had set myself up for failure by holding myself to a false standard. I allowed my own pressure and the pressure of others to completely paralyze me. I avoided my freshman year due to fear and isolated myself to avoid the anxiety.
I can now also see that therapy and medicine does not make me any less of a person or any less successful, it just helps me be the best version of Emma that I can be.
These are some of the tools and tips that helped me walk through my anxiety:
Put God at the center of your life.
The enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy. He stole my happiness, I felt like I was being killed, and he destroyed my mental health
But God put me in the right direction and allowed me to find healing with Him at the foundation
Find your people.
You cannot overcome troubles alone and you don’t have to do it alone. You may feel like no one can understand or help, but there are people who can. My mom, my best friend and my therapist were all huge parts of my healing. They listened and they understood.
Reach out to someone and tell them the truth of what you are dealing with.
Pay attention to your diet.
Sugar and caffeine amplified my anxious feelings. Once I paid attention to my food and exercise, I was able to understand my body and its reactions better.
Pinpoint the root and truth.
Once I found the people, places, and events that were causing my anxiety, I felt that I was able to recognize and reason with the feelings I was having. Just being able to name the cause, helped me learn to talk myself down from panic attacks.
I found the truth: Even though my body is reacting, I’m not going to die and this won’t last forever. I can sit in this feeling and get through it.
I don’t understand why I have to struggle with anxiety. I asked God for a long time, but I no longer question. Instead, I look for answers in His Word.
Romans 5:3-4 says:
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.
If I did not face my trials, I would not have been pushed to God for help. I wouldn’t be as close to Him and I wouldn’t have learned how to look for Him.
Because I struggle with anxiety, I can help others by sharing my story.
I now see the power is saying that I have anxiety, but there is a God who is always with me.
Remember:
You are bigger than the struggles you face, more than the doubt in your head, and greater than all of your valleys.
