Back to Life
by Candace Brown
My now-husband and I met at six years old in Catholic Church.
We grew up as friends, and he eventually went into the Marines and got married.
Meanwhile, I was dating and had two children.
Our relationship started out of an affair, in a very broken place.
John was out of the Marines and unhappy in his marriage, and I was in an abusive relationship.
We ended our relationships and moved in together.
Shortly after getting together, I got pregnant.
I freaked out completely. I was totally lost.
I had an abortion in 2012 out of fear, doubt, and hurt.
I hit the lowest point of my life and had no idea how to move forward.
Less than a month later, I was pregnant again.
I had fought and resisted my convictions for long enough.
I knew what God wanted from me, surrender and obedience.
I had our son, Kaiden, and we got married six months later.
We had a seemingly good marriage, but God was not the reason why.
We were living a fast life, partying and running a million miles an hour.
2013 and 2014 were a total blur.
My dad had a seizure that led to us finding out he had Stage 4 Melanoma.
Two close friends nearly passed away during child birth.
My dance instructor, who was family, died.
Then, my dad lost his battle to cancer.
I was drowning in regret and grief, while trying to raise my son and keep my marriage intact.
My friend, Denee, had invited me to BridgePoint Fellowship several times, but I hesitated because of my Catholic background. What we were doing wasn’t working, so we tried it out. We started attending church and found mentoring and counseling for our marriage.
We were barely treading water when we celebrated our first anniversary.
Then, we started sinking.
Things had been weird between John and I, and I started noticing random numbers on his phone. I eventually found out that John was having an affair, so we separated.
Our friend, Justin, talked us through things and encouraged me to stay.
To try to work things out.
To give it one more shot.
At the start of 2015, we sat down and agreed that we didn’t want to break up our family.
We got back together and I was pregnant two months later.
Without having the time to settle the waters, we started sinking again.
We fought. We threw things. We broke things.
We hit rock bottom.
We still attended church, hiding our home life and hoping for healing.
Then, I had an affair in 2018.
By the grace of God, I had joined a DGroup,
and the accountability and conviction pushed me to tell John.
He was upset, but handled it with grace.
God had been working on us and within us.
He showed us the marriage we wanted.
He pushed us to both get past the past.
Our church gave us the tools to do so.
By fall 2019, I was leading a DGroup and we started Marriage Mentorship with the Combs.
This mentorship brought unhealed wounds to the surface.
It shed light on areas that we had been hiding in the dark.
It showed us how much more our marriage could be.
Ultimately, Marriage Mentorship was the lifeboat that our marriage needed to survive.
It was hard work, and we had to wade through the deep waters together.
It gave us the foundation to get through the flood that was coming.
In 2020, John lost his job.
We discussed options and thought he should join a union, which would make him travel.
This would cause major life changes for our entire family. So, we prayed.
John and I both heard God telling us to take the opportunity, so John joined.
He was set to go to Pennsylvania to work for a year, then his placement would be reassessed. We knew that it would be hard, especially when trust had been broken. Shortly after he left, we renewed our vows and dedicated ourselves to each other. We focused on getting through the year, and he came home once a month.
John left in February, and by June I felt a shift.
We weren’t connecting or communicating well.
He felt distant physically and emotionally.
I started asking questions, bringing the past back to the surface.
My questions caused tension, and the tension caused fighting.
He admitted that he was watching pornography and unhappy.
We got into a massive fight, so I decided we had to do something more.
I loaded up the kids and we drove to Pennsylvania.
I was trying to save us on my own.
I was doing things my way.
I was working in my will.
Our plan was to move up to Pennsylvania.
We applied for two rentals and looked at a lease-to-own home. We all loaded up and headed back to Texas to pack, and God began rerouting us. By the time we reached Tennessee, one U-Haul was canceled. By Alabama, the other was canceled. We took a detour to Florida to vacation, and both rentals had been rented. Then, the owners of the home for lease decided they wanted to sell outright.
We had no idea what to do and no idea where we would live.
We made our way back to Texas, and the moment I walked into our home I knew that I was home.
I knew running wasn’t the answer. I knew that we had to stay. I knew I had to surrender.
So, I stayed.
I stayed in Texas, and John went back to Pennsylvania to finish out his contract.
The fighting continued.
John made it clear that he wanted to do what he wanted to do,
and I made it clear that I couldn’t and wouldn’t fight anymore.
In August, we separated.
About a month later, I was invited to service at Redemption Church.
Pastor Byron spoke on pornography, marriage, and restoration.
I left there angry at God and myself.
I was wrestling.
Biblically, I knew we had the grounds to end our marriage, but God told me to stay.
He said, You’re free to leave, but I want you to stay.
I didn’t want to stay.
I was so tired.
I battled.
I fought against God.
I fought for what I wanted.
I fought against my marriage.
Do I stay? Do I leave?
Do I want to be married to him?
Does God want me to be married to him?
Gina, who had led my Dgroup, started reading Joshua with me.
While I was reading Joshua 6, I heard God say, Do you see it?
Do I see what, Lord? What do you want from me??
The plan to save your marriage.
Seven priests marched before the ark of the covenant.
Armed guards marched before the priests.
They circled the walls until they fell.
You need seven women to go before you to pray and fast before John comes back home.
My heart wasn’t in it, but I did it.
I obeyed anyways.
I found not seven, but nine women who were willing to pray and fast.
During these days praying I felt a pivotal shift.
It was so subtle, yet so noticeable.
On the 6th day, John came home and immediately said that he didn’t want a divorce.
He said, God keeps telling me that I’m free to go, but he wants me to stay.
We spent the next three days pouring everything out.
Our marriage was saved by prayer and revived in three days.
It all started in a moment of surrender.
It started when I finally said,
I’m done fighting.
Take it all.
And he did.
God took control.
He took our hurt.
He took our pain.
He took the burden.
He took it all and turned it around.
John and I look back at all we have waded through and can’t help but worship.
We watched Him restore us after I had an abortion.
We watched Him redeem us after affairs.
We saw Him keep His promise.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
Isaiah 43:2
For so long we tried to pass through the waters on our own, but God rescued us.
He sent us mentors to guide and correct us.
He gave us a church home to support us.
He grew our faith.
Our story is ugly, but it shows how powerful, mighty, and gracious our God is.
Our story doesn’t point to us or what all we have done wrong.
Our story points to His grace.
Our story points to the grave.
God went to the grave to come back to life.
So that He could rescue us from our sin.
So that He could redeem us back to Him.
So that He could revive what is dead.
Your marriage may look dead.
Your hope may feel lost.
But He will make a way.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19
He made a way when it looked like a dead end.
He revived us when we had drowned.
He rose again when he was dead.
He brought us back to life.
