I Never Knew

by Ashlyn Pinner

I love Jesus.
I love reading about the man who walked a perfect life. 
The man who sought out sinners and walked beside them.
The man who healed, taught, prayed, wept, and died to make me whole.

I love God. 
I want to honor my all-knowing, all-powerful, mighty King.
My merciful Lord, my kind and gracious Father, the Great I Am.
The miracle-working, way-making, redeeming Creator and Savior.

I know about Holy Spirit.
I know that Holy Spirit came to abide in me at salvation.
I know that he stirs my spirit with conviction and ignites dreams.  
I never knew the freedom that comes from fully surrendering to Holy Spirit.

I believe that up until recently I have quenched and smothered the Holy Spirit in my life.
I have tried to do right, love right, say right, while fighting against flesh on my own.
And it has been exhausting.

I grew up plugged into church.
Winfree Baptist Church youth group laid my foundation. Thanks Mr. Cody!
Throughout high school, I was mostly a good kid. I made good decisions and excelled.

Between 17-22, I tried to do it all and be it all.
I wanted to learn, grow, and progress personally and academically.
I wanted to find my purpose and sought to get closer to Jesus.
I wanted to find my people and a place where I belonged.

I tried to do it all on my own, by my own strength, in my own way.
Needless to say, I sunk. I started taking anti-depressants and seeing a counselor. 

By 22, I was wrapped in anxiety and using alcohol to ease my mind and bring comfort.
If I was with others, I was drinking to loosen up and liven up. 
If I was alone, I would drink to unwind and relax. 

I finally went to my mom in complete brokenness, desperate for help.
She is an earthly picture of Jesus, always walking beside me.

The next several years God slowly worked sin out of my life. 
He would bring sin to the surface, reveal the real root, then help me heal.

It was and is still a process that can be painful, but ultimately leads to freedom.

God has healed me from crippling anxiety and panic attacks.
God has revealed unforgiveness and bitterness from my past.
God has set me free from deep, enslaving shame from mistakes.

All along, I knew that God was going to give me something to do. 
I knew that there was more. I knew that I had a purpose.
But I had to allow Him to tear down idols and walls to see it.

Little by little, God started developing my strengths and giving me opportunities. Then, one day I felt like I got a full download. I felt Him nudging me to start writing, but I knew it wouldn’t be all my words. That’s when He gave me what felt like a full filing cabinet, but said, One file at a time.

He reminded me of turning points in my life: 
-Admitting my dependence on alcohol
-Studying God’s Word with friends
-Finding out that I was pregnant

All of these moments happened right here on my living room couch: The Giving Couch
A couch that served as a safe place to land when all seemed lost.
A place where I have learned, read, studied, prayed, and cried.
A couch that is now being used to give hope and give God glory.

A few months later I ended up back on depression medication.
I felt like a fraud and a failure, but did what was best for my family.

My depression allows me to still seek God, have happy moments, and lead
but it can drastically affect my sleep, energy, motivation, and ability to connect
That is not the way it’s supposed to be, and I know that. 

So, I set out to find true, whole, God-given joy in 2022. 

I started digging in Scripture, studying lives in the Bible, and pressing into worship.
I thought I had made it out of this season and decided to get off of my medication.
I was reading the Bible and hearing from God.
I was getting things done and progressing.
I thought I was good.

One evening I saw a promotion for an upcoming women’s conference that caught my eye.
It was being held at Grace Community Church, a church that I knew of from a friend.
I had watched a few of their live streams, and to be honest, I was pretty much speechless. 

I watched their worship leader praise with fire and full abandon. 
The congregation waved flags, shouted, danced, and cried. 
They were fully devoted, all in, wholly abandoned…and so free.

I was interested, but knew I wasn’t going to dare step foot inside alone,
so this conference was the perfect time to give it a try with friends. 

In the weeks between seeing the promo for It’s Time and actually going, I hit another low.
My anxiety flared up. Temptation ate at me. I forced myself out of bed. I made mistakes.

I was in the Word every morning, but growing so tired of fighting my flesh all day long. 
I was speaking harshly to my husband, losing focus of my race, and growing complacent. 
I was still hearing from God, but I felt like there was something off in my spirit. 

In the middle of this, I got a message from Misty personally inviting me to the conference.
I didn’t just decide to go, I decided to go with expectation. I wanted to see God move. 

I needed to God to move.
I needed a fresh wind.
I needed freedom.
I needed more.

Leading up to It’s Time Women’s Conference, I had Couch Conversations that served as a spring-board.
I sat down with Taylor Pittman who shared how Holy Spirit worked while she was in ordinary places.
Then, I sat down with Cassie Bearden who told me Holy Spirit gave her fresh eyes and a new flame. 

I wanted to know Him. I wanted to know all of Him.
I felt like Holy Spirit was just an acquaintance. 
I wanted to meet Him up close and personal. 

On the Friday night of the conference, I was nervous, but expectant.
I put on my stretchy pants and tennis shoes. I was going to be ready.

We arrived a little late and the room was packed.
We walked a lap looking for seats and settled for a few in the back.
Within minutes of us finding our place, a woman bypassed a few others and came directly to me.

 She asked me to pray for her. I immediately thought two things:
1. You have seriously got the wrong girl. Of all people in the room, you picked the least likely. 
2. Lord, help. Like really, please help.

I wanted to say no, but I dove head first into prayer.
As I opened my mouth, words came to my heart.
I pictured her heart, huge, but full of cracks.  

I said that her heart broke for others, it was wounded because she fixed others. 
All her years of working to fix and mend, only made her own heart weak and fragile. 
I reminded her in prayer that only God could make her whole and break her bondage. 

As soon as I got done praying, I heard God say, Do you believe those words for yourself?

I felt challenged.
I had just declared truth about Who God is and what He can do,
but He pushed me to ponder His power and promise in my own life.

While this was happening, the Grace Community team was worshiping.
Misty released a prayer over cyclical depression.

As she prayed, she urged us to take action. 
To rise up and fully awaken our spirits. 
To start fighting for the next generation. 

I started saying, We’ve got to go, God.
I thought about my own family and future generations. 
I thought about the students in my classroom.
I thought about my friends and their kids.
I thought about Walker’s future.

We’ve got to go, God.
We have work to do.
I am ready.

As my lips mouthed those words repeatedly, the words transformed.
I began speaking words I didn’t know, but I knew I was saying something.
I cried tears from a sense of overwhelming relief and the most absolute joy.

I later realized was living out Romans 8:26-
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. We don’t know what God wants us to pray for.
But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

I had so much weighing on me.
So many unspoken prayers.
Finally, I was releasing it all.

I was letting go of unmet expectations and uncovered shame.
I was being set free from years of fighting my fleshly desires.
I was finally completely released from depression.

I couldn’t stop.
I opened my eyes. 
I took deep breaths. 

It wasn’t scary or weird.
It was so pure and powerful.

For so long, I have prayed for God to show me how He is my joy.
In that moment, I felt as though I gained complete access to His joy.

I finally understood Psalm 16:11-
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

After years of working and trying and striving, He set me free in my surrender. 

I remember getting to a moment where I felt as if I finally had access to the fruit of the Spirit. 
For so long, I had tried and tried to work myself into gentleness and joy. 
I had tried to discipline myself into being controlled and patient. 
I felt like I had been digging in the dirt searching for fruit. 

All along, I just needed to surrender and God brought down the whole fruit tree. 

I felt Galatians 5:22-23 come alive within me.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I walked away from that moment knowing things had changed.
I went home with fresh eyes for my household and husband.
I left feeling so full but so hungry for more at the same time.

I know now what I had been missing, the Holy Spirit. 

This doesn’t mean that I’ll never walk through another low.
It doesn’t mean that there won’t be hard seasons or sin. 
It just means that now I get to be free. 

I get to worship with all of me, in full surrender.
I get to let Holy Spirit lead and guide me. 
I get to follow convictions and dreams.
I get to speak what Holy Spirit says.

I found out later that the woman I prayed over was contemplating suicide.
I say that only to show that God marched me into that room to save us both.

He leads us to uncomfortable places because He needs us there and we need to be there. 
That is where life change and growth happens. That is where healing and miracles happen. 

When we reach a place beyond ourselves, we give God a platform for glory.

So, we have to keep seeking His face.
We have to keep hungering for more.
We have to keep believing for miracles.
We have to keep asking for encounters.

There is so much more than many of us are experiencing.
There is more than only meeting Jesus on Sunday mornings.
There is more power and authority in your prayer life.
There is more to sacrifice and surrender in worship.

I never knew there was more, but now I can’t get enough.

There is no formula to finding the Holy Spirit, but I know how it happened for me.

I wanted more in my heart.
I expected more to happen.
I surrendered more in worship.

I have experienced a conference-high many times.
That is not what this is. I met and experienced Holy Spirit.

In just a few short weeks of knowing and walking with Holy Spirit,
He has taught me how to worship and pray in spirit and truth.
He has given me visions and promises that far beyond myself.
He has gently led me out of shame and renamed me as His own.

I know Jesus. I know God.
Now I know Holy Spirit, and he has made all the difference.