I Believe

by Alayna George

I have always believed that God can and does faithfully heal and help others.
I just couldn’t believe it would be done for myself.

I didn’t believe that I deserved a prosperous and thriving life.
I didn’t believe that I was worthy enough for a life impacted by God.
I believed that I was saved, but would forever live in survival-mode.

I have come to find that the difference between surviving and thriving is one thing: believing God. 

Thrive: to grow or develop well or vigorously; to prosper and flourish
Survive: continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship

In 2008, my first major hardship came.
This started a long season of survival. 

I met my husband in college at 19. We met, instantly connected and I was pregnant soon after. I felt instant shame, and disbelief that I was now “that” girl that I swore I would never be. However, I refused to get married right away to avoid any further stereotyping. I had NO idea just how hard life as a young adult and mom was going to get.

My oldest son was born extremely premature. I went into the hospital at 31 weeks knowing that something was wrong. The nurses didn’t take me seriously (young new mom) and sent me home. The next week I went back in, again knowing that there was absolutely something wrong. Upon initial evaluations, they found that my baby had no heart rate and I had no amniotic fluid left. 

My first baby boy was born in an emergency c-section with no heartbeat and not breathing.
They resuscitated him right there in front of us, then rushed him out.
He was resuscitated three times in his first 24 hours. 

Doctors found that there was bleeding on over half his brain. 
A permanent shunt was placed in his skull and we knew that there would be several neuro surgeries possibly coming. He had an eye issue that required surgery as well. He also had cerebral palsy. Doctors were very honest and said that there was an 80% chance that he would never walk or talk. We were told if he didn’t walk by 22 months, he would never walk.

We lived this season barely surviving the what-ifs and worries.

However, God was working even when I wasn’t believing.

At this time, Kenneth  was in college finishing his bachelor’s degree. 
His professors graciously allowed him to drive back and forth from Houston and finish work as he could.
Ronald McDonald House Charities housed and fed us the entire time. 
Then, three days after reaching 22 months, Hayden walked.
I couldn’t believe it.

Even though we were provided for and protected, I was angry and bitter with God.
How could you put an infant through so much?
What is the purpose of all of this?
What are you doing?
Why is this happening?

When Hayden was 8 months old, we finally got married. 
We were not in church and we weren’t sure that we wanted to have more kids after that long, hard season.
I desired a large family, but not at the expense of more lifelong health issues for another child.
My doctor reassured us and told us that we would be okay to try again…

In 2011, my second son was born. 
I had no issues during my pregnancy until 36 weeks. I was laying in bed and began having unbearable, unbelievable pain. My husband rushed me to the doctor, again knowing something was wrong. 

Once in the operating room and at the start of the emergency c-section the problem was confirmed. The doctors found that my placenta had enlarged and attached itself to everything, separating at the center and causing internal bleeding. They said I had Placenta Accreta, a condition that is usually always fatal for the mother.

Eight months earlier, my doctor had cared for his very first case of this condition.
He only knew what to do because of the woman before me.

When they went in to remove Parker, doctors were again very honest.
They weren’t sure if Parker would make it, and if I was going to survive I had to have a hysterectomy.
At that moment, my husband had to decide whether to go with Parker or stay with me.
I sent him to be with our baby. 

Parker ended up having zero issues, and the doctors considered me lucky to be alive.
I couldn’t believe it.

I felt so grateful, but I was also mourning the fact that I was done having kids. 
I felt like I lost my option for a big family.
I lost my dream.

I remember sitting in my closet one day, heartbroken and frustrated.
My husband and I knew that something had to change, but we didn’t know what.
The only thing we thought to do was to find a church.

We started visiting a large church in Vidor. My husband was hooked. 
There, he started his personal relationship with God.

We had gotten through the valley of our health scares, but financially we were drowning.
Our finances felt like another stop to our dream of a bigger family through other means.

Despite our questions, we continued investing in our church. We joined a life group studying The Blessed Life by Robert Morris and it immediately challenged us. Even though we had little money to spare, my husband suggested that we start giving to the church. 

A few Sundays later, we wrote a $200 dollar check. We received a check for $650 in the mail on Monday. We knew that was God. We gave half of that check back to the church, then again received a $250 refund in the mail the following week.
Again, I couldn't believe it!

He grew our faith, confirmed our obedience, and gave us the confidence to start growing our family.

We went through the process to start fostering.
We were licensed on June 1st, 2017.

On June 4th, I found out that I had cancer.
It was a very rare, but very curable tumor.

We debated telling CPS, knowing they wouldn’t give us a placement if they knew. Despite being certain it was curable, cancer is a heavy diagnosis. We kept quiet and were shortly given our first placement.

Life got HARD.
Elijah came to us extremely malnourished, knowing only how to survive.
He was extremely independent because he had to be.

He climbed cabinets to get to food and didn’t know how to communicate his needs. He only screamed and threw fits. There was no appropriate communication whatsoever.  

We had to teach Elijah that we would meet his needs. 
We would care for and provide for him.

As he relearned how to survive, we were still barely surviving ourselves.
I was stressed, overwhelmed, and always on edge.
I lived day by day, looking forward to the moment I could relax.
I turned to worldly things instead of God, godly counsel, or worship.
I had my cancer removed, with a somewhat easy process and began healing.

Soon after, we were given the opportunity to adopt Elijah after an attempt at reunification.
We knew this was what God wanted, but also knew our hearts had to change.

At this point, we were outgrowing our home and working on our hearts.

In early 2019, God gave me the word, “Believe.”
He impressed it on my heart and etched it in my mind.

I knew I was struggling to “believe” God was doing things for me. I felt my faithfulness and obedience to God and his calling for my life was unmatched. I only saw the hardship and trials I was put through time and time again. 

In May, we moved into a larger house thinking it would help make us happier with more space. We also started attending a new church we felt led to in our community.

Once we were settled, my older boys and I went to a church camp in June.
I was nervous because it was an Assembly of God based camp and I grew up Baptist.
It was at that children’s summer camp service that God finally woke me up.

I was overwhelmed and convicted during worship as I remembered all of the moments that God allowed us to thrive, not just survive.

I’ve seen Hayden grow into a healthy thirteen year old, even after ten brain surgeries.
I’ve seen my relationship with Elijah transform and blossom.
I’ve seen God continuously provide for my family financially.

After that camp, I was curious about the prayer languages that I heard there, 
but I was unsure that I could have one for myself. 

I wanted to believe that God was working in my life just like he does for others.

In July, I got a message on Facebook from a girl who was 32 weeks pregnant and wanted us to adopt her daughter.
She knew herself and the father weren’t in a position to be parents. 
I couldn’t believe the timing.

I also couldn't understand what God was doing. I was working on my belief in God’s faithfulness and provision.
But, I was doubting and finding ways to dismiss the truth. I was allowing my flesh to get in my head. 

We were already struggling. 
We were learning how to parent Elijah together. It was an entirely new playbook we knew nothing about.
We were still in the process of officially adopting him.
We questioned whether we would be good, responsible parents if we adopted her simultaneously.

We met with both the parents and all mutually decided that she was supposed to be our own.

We knew what this meant though: outrageous costs for private adoption right after buying a house.

I couldn't believe it, but every single payment was provided for. God provided somehow. Every time.

A week or so  before Andi’s birth, I had a dream.
We were in the hospital  and I was nursing her. Jesus appeared in the room standing before me and said,
It’s a present-day miracle to benefit my Kingdom.

I woke up laughing,
but was intrigued when a close friend told me that it was possible after a hysterectomy with treatments or pills.
For what felt like the first time, I wanted to truly believe.

I felt a little crazy, but decided to try pumping without any extra methods.
I hooked up and instantly colostrum flowed into the bottles.
I knew it was a miracle, but still couldn't believe it happened to me!

As soon as Andi was born, we brought her to our room and I nursed my baby girl.
God had given me a clear vision, but I couldn't believe it!

It was the aftermath of Andi’s birth that finally got our attention the most.
Because she was born in Alabama and was coming to Texas, there was a lot of additional paperwork.
We expected to bring her home as soon as we were released, but we were missing a specific background check.

After phone calls, we were told it may be three weeks. 
After more questions and calling, we were told it could be up to three months.
We were in shock. We had no idea how we could afford the wait and our boys were back home.

Friends made connections and we were housed and fed by a local pastor for a week and a half then sent on our way to Texas. Somehow the background check was pushed through and the three months was cut down to ten days.
There was no other explanation; it had to be God.

Once we were home and settled as a family of six, I started to reflect.

I was overwhelmed and convicted about God’s goodness, faithfulness, and provision.
It WAS unmatched.

I’ve seen God bless me with a daughter.
I’ve seen God put his hand on her health.
I’ve seen God’s undeniable financial provision in this.
I’ve seen it all, but hadn’t believed he was really doing it for me.

He had been doing it all along.
He gave us the big family we had dreamed of.
He provided and protected us in so many ways.
He turned situations of survival into a testimony of thriving.

The word Believe continued to rest on my heart for months.

In February of 2021, I had a cancer scare. 
I started experiencing every symptom that pointed to the return of my tumor or worse.. When I called my doctor, they got me scheduled for the following week. One night while waiting on the appointment, a friend stopped by. She gave me a Giving Key necklace and prayed declarations of healing over me. I took the necklace and put it in my drawer.

I went for a procedure and prepared for the worst, but the doctors found nothing.
Not a single issue or concern. My symptoms also miraculously instantly disappeared.
I couldn’t believe that I was healed.

I must be crazy. There is no way I received a miracle of that magnitude. I don’t deserve that. 

A couple months later, I was going through my drawers. I pulled out the Giving Key necklace.  I noticed the word engraved: Believe.

God, how can I not believe?

During the summer of 2021, my husband went with my older boys to church camp this time.
One night while they were gone, I was rocking Andi and praying vigorously over my kids.
As I began listing declarations over them, I became so overwhelmed with my prayers.
I felt like there was no way to express everything I felt. It felt heavy. 
Curiously, I thought about the prayer language and continued to declare:

I believe that Hayden will grow to be strong and courageous.
I believe that Parker will be a faithful servant and follower.
I believe that Elijah has a purpose for his life and will prosper.
I believe that Andi will be a strong, bold woman of faith.

Then, God, I know you know my heart. I don't have to say it all.
I can simply just say I believe and leave it there because you know my heart.
However, I WANT to say it all. I desire to voice and pray for all of these things.
There are just not enough hours in the night. 

I had a heavy sensation that I couldn’t shake that night.

A few weeks later, I was overwhelmed during worship at church.
Lord, I  desire a prayer language.
I want to be able to say all I need to you.
I know it’s real. I see it’s real.
I just haven’t believed it was for me.

I felt the Holy Spirit’s  words, “How can He transform your mouth when it is such a dirty one?”

I was convicted.
I had a mouth on me, that’s for sure.
It’s always been my biggest vice. 

The very next day I confessed to Kenneth that I was going to be consciously working on taming my tongue.
That night, I was praying over our season.
We had been car shopping, trying to do the Dave Ramsey program, and trying to make wise choices.
I started declaring what I believed for us.
I was compelled to force myself to just say the words “I believe” and leave it there.
Then, I felt the Holy Spirit say to keep going. 

I said it several times with such belief and certainty. 
Then, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to say it faster.

I repeated I believe over and over again.
I started stuttering, but felt so convicted to continue to speak.
My belief then transformed into a prayer language right then and there. WOW.

I saw everything come full circle. 

For so long I couldn't believe, so God started etching that exact word on my heart: Believe.

He proved over and over again that I can believe for myself.
I can believe that He will guide and protect me.
I can believe that He wants the best for me.
I can believe He is working for me.
He is too good to not believe.

Through all of this, I have also learned that God wants us
to be joyful and thriving despite our circumstances.

John 10:10 says the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy…
but He came to give us life. Abundant life.

I lived a long time not believing that I was worthy of this abundant, prosperous, thriving life.
I know I’m not the only one.

How many others are in a position where they are just surviving?
Thinking God has forgotten or abandoned them.
Trying to just make it to another day.

That is not how God intended our lives to be.

More than anything, I want people to believe.
Believe that you are meant to thrive.
Believe that God is working for you.
Believe that God is for you.

When I left my house to come to this Couch Conversation, the first words out of my radio were:
Too good to not believe.

As I sit and think about the ways that God has worked and provided in my life, that is what I think:
It is truly too good to not believe.

Don’t let another day go by doubting that God wants the best for you.
Believe with your whole heart that you were made to thrive.
Believe with your whole heart that He wants you to prosper.
Believe with your whole heart that He has a plan for you.

It was in my surrender that I found my belief.

I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.
Mark 9:24