“This is my Story”

My incredible friend, Amy Tisdale, partnered with several women to write a story of testimony. This is the chapter I contributed and just part of my story. To read more, you can purchase Amy’s book here: This Is My Story: Blessed Assurance, Testimonies of God's Faithfulness - Kindle edition by Tisdale, Amy. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

This is my story.
A story of God unraveling what I tangled.
A story of God peeling back layers.
A story of God’s story.

I can trace my plot twists and tangles back to a single moment when I was seven years old. I skipped my way right into life change. After a perfect June day at a local law enforcement picnic, I hopped in my mom’s patrol car not knowing I was about to ride into a new life. The car ride is a blur other than her breaking the news, me kicking the dash, and then us driving to our new apartment where I would spend every other week due to a divorce.

Somewhere in the mix, my sense of security twisted into a deep need for achievement and control. As I strived and searched for stability and reason, I became entangled in anxiety. My mind was a never-ending list of the things I needed to do, achieve, control and be. I did all I could to control my narrative after being thrown into a plot twist I didn’t plan. By sixteen, I was diagnosed with “Activity-Induced Asthma,” which in hindsight should have been labeled “High Achieving Anxiety.” My inhaler was the enabler that kept me from seeing the freedom in front of me. The enemy, anxiety, and the war inside of me completely clouded what God had done for me. 

Meanwhile, I continued to make progress on my scavenger hunt for security and personal success. I held various leadership positions, graduated at the top of my class, fit in socially, served in church, and began to date. The dating is where the tangles turned into a ticking time bomb. In hopes of being the author of my own storyline and leaving out the plot twist that plagued much of my family line, I dated with one goal: I will get married, and I will not get a divorce. What may sound dramatic now was my driving force in young adulthood and inevitably shaped my identity. In order to achieve my number one life goal, I conformed to who I thought each counterpart wanted me to be. Oh, the things I did to avoid relationships ending…tangles and bad plot twists…much to my own fault.

My story seemed to be adding characters and conflict faster than resolutions. I was still writing in my own achievements, good job, awards, new car, etc., but I could barely recognize the main character. I had twisted into so many versions of myself that I didn’t know who the real me was. I began to drink heavily and frequently, hurt people I loved, wanted to hurt myself, and put up emotional walls. This chapter was dark, but He can turn the page.

I took a leap of faith, left my job, and dove headfirst into teaching. This became the beginning of God’s unraveling and undoing. Glimmers of light began the shine on His storyline as I pursued Him in His Word, through worship, and in community. However, in order to allow Him to write, I had to surrender the pen. Control, insecurity, and comfort were still tightly entangled. I was beginning to do what I felt He was calling me to do, but I wasn’t allowing myself to be who He made me to be. Some part of me thought that might risk the goal I had yet to achieve: I will get married, and I will not get a divorce. 

And then comes the knight in shining armor who knocked me off my feet. It wasn’t a romantic whirlwind that swept me away and saved me. It was an intentional, biblical pursuit that deeply challenged and changed me. My now-husband, Shelby, sought to know me when I didn’t know myself…and he called that out with love. After months of dating, deep conversation, and beginning to dream together, he asked me one question that set my plotline on fire: Who are you? He wasn’t asking for me to detail my profile information or describe my interests. He was urging me to find me. The me that God made me to be. The me that he could see through the crumpled pages and tangled twists.

Once the initial offense of his question was handled, I began handing strands over to God to unravel. Through counseling, hard conversation, and church community, I began to walk in my true identity. I jumped from a life being written by me to God’s Word written by God for me. Through His Word, God began to redeem what I had written.

He pointed out where I was conforming instead of stepping into my calling. He unwound my fears and pride and began to renew my mind. He pulled me out of the pits and set my feet on solid ground. He untangled my hurt and shame and tethered me to grace. He replaced anxiety with trust and peace. He saved me from me. 

Looking back, I can see how God used my deepest fear to bring my deepest healing. An insecure girl deathly afraid of divorce stepped into her identity as a Daughter of the King. 

Since then, my husband and I got married and had a son. I’ve touched the highest mountains and walked in low valleys. I’ve tasted the goodness of His promise and felt the weight of depression. We have walked through sensational seasons and months of madness. 

Today I told my husband that he has helped me become a better version of myself. His response, straightforward as usual, was this: “That’s what marriage is for.” I no longer look at my family line and fear falling to divorce; I look forward and see a hope and a future. One written by God, lined with grace, and full of holy plot twists.

One of the early days after my son was born a woman from our church delivered food. She stood in the doorway and declared with holy confidence that one day my husband and I would be mentoring young married couples. That statement seemed outrageous to newlyweds and fresh parents, but it’s a promise I cling to through the highs and lows. Some days that seem like a far-fetched fantasy novel, but I know my Writer loves to write with wonder. 

As my story unfolds, one thing remains: my Father, my Dad, holds the pen. He is writing a story of unraveling and redemption. A story full of plot twists and victory. A story where the lows are now lanes to lead others to Jesus. A story that doesn't end until God writes the final page. 

This is my story. This is what God does. This is what He is doing. He is unwinding a broken, insecure, anxious girl and writing a story about a mighty, loving, gracious Father who had more in mind. With each strand set free, I’m growing closer to the woman God made me to be. With each new chapter He writes, I’m seeing the abundant life He promised me. 

Your story isn’t over. 
Your story isn’t too tangled. 
Put down the pen and pass the book. 
Ask God to unwind and redeem what has been tangled and twisted and watch Him work all things for good.