Overcoming Shame

by Shae Godeaux

My opinion of this world was formed during my first few years of life.
I was born to a drug addict mother and a father who was in and out of prison. 
I spent many nights as a little girl living in my parents’ drunkenness and on the run from the police. 

I remember questioning:
What’s wrong with me?
Why is she hurting me?
Why don’t they love me?

My love for my parents never wavered, but my love for myself did.
Then, I was placed in and out of foster care for many years along with my brother. We got separated in the system. 

It wasn’t long until I decided that this world wasn’t for me, it was against me...the shame had set in.
I felt ashamed because no one wanted me.
Ashamed because foster parents treated me differently than their own.
Ashamed because they didn’t want to get too attached to me.
Ashamed because of the sexual and emotional abuse that came. 

Now, I had even more questions:
Why won’t they show affection to me?
Why don’t they want to keep me?
Why can’t they love me?
What is wrong with me?

I remember a moment of hope in Kindergarten. A teacher who believed in me. Her name was Mrs. Sanders, and she told me “Shae, you are a dream.” She would look at me and smile. She saw me. She cared. 

I didn’t know who or what I was, but I certainly didn’t feel like a dream. All that mattered was that she saw me and believed in me. I still think about her often to this day. 

In that same year, I was adopted!
It was a day that I had looked forward to for so long, yet it happened so fast. I came home from school one day and was told, “Shae, you’re getting adopted.” Just like that. I was immediately packed up and sent to my new home where my new family was waiting for me, along with my biological brother who had been bouncing around foster care. 

This was supposed to be the best day ever, right?
I had my forever home…but now what?
How am I supposed to act?
How do I fit into this new family?
Who am I supposed to be?
Who am I?

I didn’t find the answers to these questions immediately, but I knew one thing: I wasn’t a victim.

By God’s grace, I never did allow myself to fall into a victim mentality. I knew that I would be stronger from what I survived, but I needed to know who I was. I lived with the guilt and shame of what happened to me, believing that I was the reason for it all. 

Years went by and I was tormented by my shame and guilt. On the outside I looked like a sweet innocent girl, but on the inside my thoughts had me in shackles. I was going to church and I had community. I knew all the right things to say and do.  I knew who Jesus was, but I still didn’t know who I was in Him.

My walk with my Father changed drastically during a worship service I attended at twenty years old. I remember so badly wanting to raise my hands in praise, but my shame had me held captive.

I wrestled with my flesh:
God, I want you. I want to praise you. 
But who am I to praise You?

God showed up and released me from my shame that night. In a moment of surrender, I was fully overtaken by the Holy Spirit; I was drunk in the Holy Ghost. It was the most amazing feeling, and in that moment, nothing else mattered. 

I knew that something new happened that night. Something changed in me. 

My shame turned into joy. My captivity turned into dancing.

I went home on a high, and continued to worship in my living room. As I twirled around in my living room, I started asking more hard questions. 

God, where were you? Where were you when I was getting abused? 

God responded, “Shae, I was there. I never left you.” 

Wow! Something finally broke inside of me. Falling to my knees, my worship turned into weeping. 

That night became the foundation of true relation with my Father. He continued to speak to me and freed me from my past. He began calling me by name and teaching me my identity. To this day, that is a moment I cherish more than anything. Those powerful, yet simple words changed my life. 

A few months later, a speaker at a college worship night led us in a moment of reflection. He said, “You know what the world calls you, but what does God call you?”
I bowed my head, closed my eyes, and asked God “What do you call me?”
He said “Shae, I call you a leader…”
In disbelief, I remember questioning, “God, what do you mean? I’m no leader, I’m a follower.”

He spoke again, “In order to be a good leader, you must be a great follower.” That was a revelation that I did not have yet, and I was in awe that God once again spoke to me. He saw me and he called me by name. 

A follower of Christ and a leader. That is who I am. Who I was created to be. 

He had created me to be a leader. He had been calling me a leader all along, even before I was acting like one. 

Those years of healing and hearing from God have allowed me to step into my calling. As He answers each question, I am more confident in the woman who God created me to be.

A leader called to protect women and love children.

Years of questioning turned into a real relationship with my Father.
I live in freedom now knowing who I am in Him, and no longer believing the lies of the enemy. 
I know I am who He says I am.
When God calls, I answer.
When He speaks, I listen. 

I answered God’s call to protect and love, and now serve in the children’s ministry at my home church. I’ve led a group of women in a ministry called Sisters Of Strength, and I have plans on attending school to become a kindergarten teacher here in the near future. I don’t know everything God has for me or every detail, but what I do know is that I trust him. 

Looking back, tears fill my eyes.
He was with me all along. He is still with me today.
I see how God picked me up from my place of pain and placed me in the most perfect home. To know where I was, and where I am now, is such a beautiful testimony on what God can do! My family and I continued to see God move, work, heal and restore.

I pray you find hope in my story. God is not finished with you yet.
Who does he call you to be?

Know that he is with you even when you can't see him.
He will never leave you or forsake you. He has plans for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans for hope and a good future.
Jeremiah 29:11