Mourning Into Dancing

by Sarah Black

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
Psalm 30:11-12

For as long as I can remember, I have believed in God.
I believed that He existed. 
I believed that Jesus died for my sins 

Along the way, I learned that believing in God isn’t the same as believing God. 

I grew up in a single-parent household where things weren’t perfect, but they weren’t bad.
I attended a Christian school before transferring to Little Cypress-Mauriceville.
I did my best, and I competed. 

I graduated, married, had babies, and made a good life for myself. 

In 2011, my life turned into a season marked by mourning, and short of joy.

After ignoring symptoms for years, I was diagnosed with epilepsy.
Epilepsy is a condition where it’s as if lightning bolts shoot through your brain. Mine caused me to have episodes where I would breathe heavily, lose control of my limbs, and often pass out. I was triggered by stress and an unusually high heart rate. Doctors prescribed me multiple medications and required frequent follow-up appointments. 

Three years later, I went through a wilderness that felt endless. 

I was in school, pursuing my accounting degree, and working full-time,
all while continuing my role as wife and mom.
I grew accustomed to 2-3 hours of sleep.
I was tired.

My epilepsy medicines were being continually upped, while my anxiety sky-rocketed. 

Then, my pawpaw was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given three weeks to live. I was the known family caretaker, so I spent the next several weeks making him comfortable until I had to process his passing. 

Less than a year later, my grandpa passed away suddenly.
He fell from a tree due to an unknown heart condition. 

About a year and a half after that, my grandma passed.
Then, my father passed away.

I still knew God, but feeling joy was nearly impossible.
I forced myself to go numb and moved through life on auto-pilot.

Meanwhile, my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
On Thursday afternoons, I would get out of class and drive us to Houston for treatments.
I stayed until Sunday, and then started the week all over. 

By this point, I was on fourteen medications.
My epilepsy and anxiety were chasing each other. 

I kept going.
I thought that if I stopped too long, I would break down completely.
Work. School. Kids. Husband. Appointments. Repeat. 

I prayed and I worshipped, but I still just felt numb. 

Looking back, it’s a blur.
Years of death, grief, medications, long hours studying. 
I can see myself going through the motions and moving further and further away from the Lord.

I knew in that season that God was the only way through, but I was too afraid to feel. So, I dove into something else. In 2018, I started training for a half marathon that doctors said I would never be able to complete. They had actually said that with my heart issues and epilepsy, I couldn’t run at all.

In efforts to prove them wrong and prove myself strong, I found my true strength.

I was on a run in my neighborhood, training for my race, when the last four years slammed into me.
It was like a hurricane blew through and wiped me out.
I sat in the middle of the road feeling every emotion.
God spoke. 
I broke. 

He told me that focusing on the world was only making things worse.
He said that the only way to climb out of my pit was to put all of my focus on Him. 
He promised that my mom would be okay and that I would be okay. 
He reassured me and reminded me that I wasn’t a failure. 

Hearing those words from God, turned my life around. 

When I got up from the pavement and continued my run,
I felt like I was running for something greater than myself for the first time in my life. 

I decided that day that I was going to get up. 
Get up and graduate. 
Get up and get off my medicines.
Get up and let the Lord lead. 

By God’s grace, that’s just what I did,

In December 2018, I walked across the graduation stage.
I decided to get off all of my medications,
which required me to change my entire lifestyle.
I altered the way I ate, exercised, and spent my free time. 

It was hard, but I put 100% of my faith in the Lord to get me through it all.
I no longer just believed in God, I believed God.
I believed every word that He spoke to me.
I believed every word in His written word.
I believed that He was who He said He was. 

Through my wilderness, God walked me to His promises.
He showed me that obedience is the first step towards joy.
He showed me that my identity is found in Him alone. He defines me. 
He showed me the significance of His grace, love, and mercy.
He showed me that I have a purpose and I am secure in Him. 
He showed me how to turn my mourning into joyful dancing. 

Now I look for Him and rejoice in every moment.
Now I am completely filled with joy.
I now have faith through the sorrow, hope through the mourning, and trust in the trials. 

I understand that my tests can become my testimony,
and everything I have endured is a part of a story that will bring Him glory. 

When you believe God, you believe His Word.
When you believe His Word, your life changes. 
He turned my mourning into dancing when I began to believe Him.

Do you believe?